Attempting to express

Personal confession: When things are tough, not going how I imagined or hoped for, when I am stressed, or when I deal with setbacks, I internalize those feelings and close everyone off. I realize this is a BIG problem and doesn't help my situation. That is why I haven't updated my blog over the past year. I have not been in a good place. But that shouldn't stop me from talking about it. "Avoid the negative, focus on the positive" that has always been my mantra, but that doesn't always work and I am learning that.

My right knee has hurt on and off for over 6 years. I have seen multiple doctors, tried everything possible, and taken extended breaks. This time last year I had a procedure to repair some damage to my cartilage behind my kneecap. After rest, rehab and easing back into things, the issues started back.

I once had high hopes for my athletic capabilities in triathlon. Over the years, I have had to shift my goals and focus and that has not been the easiest thing for me to do. I have always been very competitive, I have always wanted to achieve the very best I can and I always have tested the limits of what my body is capable of. Not being able to do that for a while now, has messed with my mind.

However, I am constantly reminding myself that I am very lucky to have the opportunity to participate in this sport, no matter the speed, pace or effort. The gratitude and thankfulness I feel for having that ability, far outways my sad feelings of not being able to give it 110 percent.

Photo Cred: Nathan Rhodes

At the beginning of April, my right knee took a turn for the worse. My somewhat manageable pain turned into an abrupt unbearable issue. I struggled through one of the hardest races of my life at IRONMAN FL 70.3. For the first time, I thought, "I am not sure I can keep running, I may have to give up on my love". That day was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. Don't let the smile fool you, the glasses are covering the tears.

I took three weeks off after the race, rehabbed my knee, and started noticing slight improvements. It has been one month since I started back and I am very happy with my progress.



Here are some of the stats from the past month.

I have built a 6.6 mile run with an average pace of 13:52/mi to a 12.2 mile run with an average pace of 10:45. My bike has also improved in speed and increased in distance, 58 miles on May 5 with an average speed of 17.1 mph to a 101-mile ride on 5/27 at 18.1 mph average. 

I am just over 2 months away from one of the most challenging triathlons on the planet and by far the hardest race I will attempt, Norseman Xtreme Triathlon. 

The past month has been a mental challenge and I have practiced patience like never before. But it has opened my eyes in a way I never imagined. I notice more of my surroundings on my rides, I hear the sounds of nature more on my runs. Instead of focusing on pushing myself, embracing the hurt and trying to push through my body wanting to back off, I have opened my ears and eyes to my surroundings and I have fallen more in love with this sport and Tallahassee. 

Fingers crossed my progress continues and I have the opportunity to jump off the boat into the freezing fjord in Norway!